Humanity must not allow Punchtex to fall into the hands of Skynet

29 July 2019

If you’ve read my Guide to buying boxing gloves in Australia, you’ll be aware that I’m pretty sceptical about Australian brands. In general, they’re basically slick and sneaky marketers of low quality gloves produced by the gazillion in Pakistani factories. Many of their gloves look cool, but they’re really just expensive landfill.

One of the paradigmatic Australian brands marketing overpriced generic junk gloves from Pakistan is Punch Equipment. Every second or third guy at your gym uses Punch gloves. Its mastery of the art of boxing glove marketing is, well, really masterful, second only to that of Sting (whom I regard as the grand master).

For example, Punch is able to convince many otherwise intelligent and rational Australians to willfully disregard their own pecuniary interests and happily handover AU$250 for the latest iteration of its Pakistani-made ersatz Mexican Fuerte sparring gloves.

So Punch is yet another Aussie purveyor of marketing bunkum. Or that, at any rate, was how things seemed to me until I began to take seriously all the reports of Cyberdyne Systems Series 800 Terminators (usually known simply as T-800s) infiltrating gyms with boxing facilities across Australia.

You know the T-800s from sparring. They are the metal motherfuckers who don’t feel pity when they drop you with a bodyshot, or remorse when they headbutt you, or fear when you load up and throw your hardest right hand. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are utterly humiliated.

But why would humanity’s deadliest common enemy, Skynet, take any interest in Australian boxing gyms?

“Come with me if you want to spar”

The answer is that Skynet is always on the lookout for highly durable materials out of which to make its next generation of Terminators. And it turns out that the “full-time designers and commercial product development managers” at Punch HQ in sunny Queensland are actually brilliant scientists running the world’s leading materials R&D programme. This programme has yielded Punchtex.

Punchtex was “tested for several years and found to be the most durable material ever used.” After a silly intern inadvertently posted that extraordinary finding on the Punch website, Google led Skynet straight to it. The T-800 infiltration units were withdrawn from laboratories working on materials like graphene, buckypaper, and palladium microalloy, and redirected to Australian boxing gyms.

Their mission? To gather enough of the “super durability material” known as Punchtex for the construction of Skynet’s next generation of Terminators. Obviously, if the T-800s are successful, humanity is doomed! So everyone should familiarise themselves with Punchtex and do everything possible to prevent it from falling into the hands of Skynet.

Let’s check out the Punchtex used on the palms and wrists of the very popular Trophy Getter gloves. The amazing durability of Punchtex should be immediately evident, even to the untrained eye.

Punchtex after 2-3 months of irregular use
Punchtex on palm of right Trophy Getter glove
Punchtex on palm of left Trophy Getter glove
Punchtex on wrist of Trophy Getter gloves

If you own something made of Punchtex, how well has it held up for you? Let me know in the comments below!

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Posted by ScepticalBoxer


This is an excellent and funny articale. Thanks SB


I’m glad you enjoyed the article, Chris!

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